Crazy
6But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people. (Psalm 22:)
48Then answered the Jews, and said unto him, Say we not well that thou art a Samaritan, and hast a devil? (John 8:)
Elsewhere I tell of my visiting all the churches in this area to see what their services are like, and to discover if any of them cater to Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Since I have only begun my adventure, that is having visited but 7 churches out of the 25 listed in the directory, I'm not prepared to write about it yet. But today I had a certain experience I thought worth its own page.
Most of my life I have been the type of person who avoids people, and when in a social environment, hides in the corner hoping nobody notices me. Then I went through a period of time when I wanted (closer to demanded) that I be the center of attention. The second attitude, I find, is much harder to deal with then the first.
This morning I took in two services; the early Nazarene and later the Evangelical church. At the first service I was my normal secluded self, sitting far to the rear of the church and distant from all the others in attendance. Then for the second church I discovered I was an hour early and they were having a Bible study class (along with a film, which was about the Temple, a favorite subject of mine). After the film, comments were taken, and I found myself confidently adding my two cents worth of thought. Actually it turned out to be more like a dimes worth since I spoke up so often.
There was nearby an older lady who seemed particularly interested in what I had to say. So at services I planted myself by her and began to carry on a conversation with her. I talked about my experience with Indian lore, then I told here a bit about my story The Worm and the Thread, - and then the service began.
Before the service was completely over, the lady beside me put on her coat and headed for the door - without even a backward glance.
I had the feeling she was trying to escape from me (amazingly fast on her two walking canes). And I mulled it over in my mind for a long time what I might have said that could possibly have offended her. Being offensive, I am learning more and more, is a skill I am very adept at. And what is even more troubling, I am rarely aware that I have been offensive until the offended one has blown a gasket and confronts me with their hostility.
In just about every incidence it turns out the person had misunderstood what I had said (and on occasion I had expressed myself poorly causing the wrong conclusion) and we end up having a big laugh at my expense.
But this time I could not for the life of me see how I could have said anything to cause someone to withdraw from me so determinedly. I have a pretty good memory and power of recall; but with all this recall I could not recall anything offensive. I could think of something that might have been taken as doctrinally unsound to someone, which may have caused them to shy away from me like they would from a Hari Krishna who approached them. And I was afraid she might have been disturbed by something of this sort. And for sure I would not like to have anyone feel unsettled in their stance with themself because of anything I had said. This is one reason I say so little (even in my own church) that swerves from the fundamental doctrine believed by so many. And don't you know this is very hard for me considering that I don't agree with but very little of the fundamental and established doctrines?
So, I was afraid I had offended - and I was bothered by this, yet knowing there was not a thing I could do about it, even if I did know how I had offended.
Then I recalled what I had said about the story The Worm and the Thread. I told her that the cow patties were the denominations, that maybe two or three in a congregation would be willing to climb the thread to reach God, and I told her that Jesus called Himself a Worm. I also told her briefly (because the service started at this time) about my crying for a month after I had received the Holy Spirit.
I then heard (in my mind) what that must have sounded like to someone who had not experienced the infilling of the Holy Spirit, nor had read that Jesus referred to Himself as a worm. And, of course, there's probably one in a thousand who has knowledge of either of these experiences - and the likelihood of her being one of these is very remote.
I laughed.
Instead of hearing the Message, she had judged the messenger!
I hadn't offended her .... she just thought I was crazy!
That explained why she was so anxious to escape my presence. I highly suspect she feared this crazy man who had approached her out of nowhere was liable to follow her home or some such.
I was greatly relieved.
I would that everyone think I am crazy and that everything I say is absurd at best, and out and out heresy and demon inspired at worst. I might as well think this, because the chances of anyone thinking otherwise is nil to none.
Two things, I find, has come from this little experience. The first is that, rather than get shook because someone thinks ill of me, which is my lifelong practice, I was glad for it. It took me off the hook, so to speak. I've said elsewhere that there are two things I am learning to deal with: my ego, and the fact that I don't want to feel responsible for anyone's discomfort or their lack of self-esteem. I'm sure this sounds contradictory to what my website is all about - and it surely is. I say we have to feel absolutely rotten about our self, and have to place our self in very un comfortable situations - and be thankful for our lowly opinion about our self and our discomfort in order to be acceptable to God.
But I don't want any of this to come from me! I want that anyone who does learn of this, or anything else I advocate, has first been prepared by the Holy Spirit to receive such, because to do otherwise can lead to disaster.
Being seen as crazy solves both of my problems. It certainly deals with my ego, as long as I can fully accept and be thankful for being seen as crazy.
And if people see me as crazy, they will read (or hear, though I haven't been called to preach or to teach) what I have to say with but a grain of salt, ready to doubt and reject everything I say. In fact, the chances are no one will bother to read it in the first place because it doesn't fit their belief system.
If no one reads what I have to say because they find it "Interesting," or "Provocative," that means only those who have (or are) been led by the Holy Spirit will get anything out of it. And if this be the case, I am left out of the picture and can neither be charged with blame, nor be given credit for whatever should come from what I have written.
References
46Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me? 47He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God. 48Then answered the Jews, and said unto him, Say we not well that thou art a Samaritan, and hast a devil? 49Jesus answered, I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. 50And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. (John 8:)
46And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Mat 27:)
Psalm 22:
1 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
2 O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
3 But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
4 Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
5 They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded.
6 But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.
7 All they that see me laugh me to scorn: they shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,
8 He trusted on the LORD that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him.
9 But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.
10 I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
11 Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help.
12 Many bulls have compassed me: strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round.
13 They gaped upon me with their mouths, as a ravening and a roaring lion.
14 I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.
16 For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have enclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.
17 I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.
18 They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture.
19 But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
20 Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
21 Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
22 I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.
23 Ye that fear the LORD, praise him; all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel.
24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
25 My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation: I will pay my vows before them that fear him.
26 The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.
27 All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee.
28 For the kingdom is the LORD'S: and he is the governor among the nations.
29 All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship: all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul.
30 A seed shall serve him; it shall be accounted to the Lord for a generation.
31 They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.
12For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart. 13For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause. 14For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. (2Cor 5:)
20And the multitude cometh together again, so that they could not so much as eat bread. 21And when his friends heard of it, they went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself. 22And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
31There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing without, sent unto him, calling him. 32And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee. 33And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren? 34And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! 35For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother. (Mark 3:)
16Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry. 17Therefore disputed he in the synagogue with the Jews, and with the devout persons, and in the market daily with them that met with him. 18Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him. And some said, What will this babbler say? other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods: because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection. (Acts 17:)
24And as he thus spake for himself, Festus said with a loud voice, Paul, thou art beside thyself; much learning doth make thee mad. (Acts 26:)
Tumbleweed
